And the Grand Facade, So Soon Will Burn

Without a noise, without my pride. I reach out from the inside.

Pants and I are getting away for a long (read 4 freaking days - woohoo) in 8 days. I am so very excited. A dear dear friend of ours (I love you, man!) got us a hookup for a cottage on the golf course in Heber Springs. It will be absolutely delicious! No kids, no work, just me, Pants, fishing, golf and some cool antique stores. I cannot wait. It will be so very good for us.

Pants is a wonderful husband and a good man. He has no agenda and what you see is what you get. He doesn't try to be something he is not. I love this about him, but it also has occasional drawbacks. He isn't a big talker when it comes to emotions and what he really feels in his heart. He just doesn't do it and he doesn't try to do it, because it is just not him. Sometimes, not really often, I need him to open up and bare some feelings and emotions. Just a little verification and reassurance.

I don't want to be needy and I usually am not, but sometimes (largely due to past issues before Pants) I need to know that you still are in love with me - coming home every night doesn't affirm that for me all the time. I know I am weak in that respect so I don't usually ask for that reassurance out of thinking it is just me being unecessarily whiney. Then it builds up and I get insecure and afraid. Then it just all comes out. In true "Me" form, I get introspective and retrospective when this happens. Trust me, I NEVER think that any issues are all one person's fault. I sometimes have trouble communicating my needs and feelings too - especially when I think it might make me look like a whiney wimp.

This little break, sans stress and children, will allow us to just get back to where we should be. It will allow us to regain our security and connection with each other. I know Pants loves me and he knows I love him. Believe me, the man knows. I think these few days away will allow us to get close again. We have been running in so many different directions with the boys soccer, Pants working 10 & 11 hours days, me working and rushing to get home and get the boys where they need to be - it has been ridiculously hectic these past few months.

We will have a wonderful time and I am totally stoked about it. Sightseeing, golfing, spending quality time ALONE together. Maybe I will get some great pictures. Don't get all excited, people, there will be no porn posted.

Does That Make Me Crazy??

Stolen, borrowed, ripped off - whatever, this idea for an entry comes from a friend of mine who plays this game. Patterned after Gnarles Barkley's song, you have to list several (we'll say 10-15) idiosyncracies about yourself that others could perceive as indicative of psychosis.

It sounds easy, but the catch is that you have to reveal more of yourself than you wish to reveal. Exposing your quirks to others is sometimes uncomfortable and when you add the fact that it makes you take a harder look at yourself.... creepy. It is similar to the "25 Things" but you have to tell more embarassing things and some I am not proud of. At all.


I cannot go to bed if my kitchen is not spotless.
I think midgets are freaking gross.
I can't step on the chalk lines when taking the field in a ballgame.
I throw up atleast twice the day before going to the dentist I get so nervous.
I had a relationship with a married man years ago.
Pants said he knew he was going to marry me the first time he kissed me.
He never told me that until we had been together 4 years.
Kissing him makes my knees jelly.
I sometimes worry I love him way more than he loves me.
I can never do anything that would make my mother proud of me.
I think my sister has a crush on my husband.
I would love to be 20 pounds lighter.
If I had $5000 laying around, I'd buy a nice rack.
I regret not telling my dad a million things before he died.
I sometimes wonder what my life would be like without kids.
I sometimes wonder how I lived without them.
I can't poop anywhere but my home.
I am afraid I relate to one child better than the other because we are more alike.
I am terrified that hurts the other child.
I am terribly judgemental.
I try to change that pretty often, but am unsuccessful.
I worry about everything.
I can't eat corn - it makes me gag.
I have trouble accepting compliments - mainly because I don't believe them.
Trampolines make me pee my pants.


That's all I have right now. Sorry.

Left of Center

I received a few e-mails asking me how Pants and I are. Some genuinely concerned and some drama seekers, I think. Even though Pants and I are struggling right now, trying to find a balance for us, I still think he is hot. I am still very much in love with him. He is still the one that I love and want. He is my best friend. That will never change - especially just because we need time together to talk and work through some things. Maybe a little breaking down and breaking through. Get everything back where it should be - back on track - back to being centered.

It would be silly to just ignore how much we care about each other and just move on - as it has been implied I should do. We aren't having problems, per se, just a bump in the road - calm down, people. I am uncertain what will happen and how we are going to address some of the issues, but we will do it together. I don't think we are experiencing anything that is new - a million couples have already gone through this type of phase and many more will. I have to have faith that it will be ok. I will not let it all come down to apathy.

Anyway - he is still very hot to me. And I don't really care what you think.

Attitude

Small Pants was thrilled I took a picture before their very first soccer games. Medium Pants? Not so much. In fact, he has that look of disdain that I have seen on my teenage nephews faces. That "Lady, I really do not have time to indulge your creepy parental Kodak moment capturing right now. Whatever. I cannot be bothered with you" look.

I myself have NEVER used that look - not ever.

Ridiculously Creepy

I despise spiders - no matter the size - they freak me out. Snakes? Don't bother me a bit. Spiders? I kill them all! Well, except for the Granddaddy Longlegs ones - they eat mosqitoes by the pound. I am truly a spider stomping fool - it is the only thing that I will scream for Pants to come kill if it has me cornered. I am getting all itchy and creeped out just thinking about this.

Now that you are aware of my phobia, we have a "pet" spider. One morning, I looked out the big picture window in the kitchen and there was a spider on it. It was outside, so the hair on the back of my neck didn't go up, thank you. But I recognized it as a baby writing spider (or zipper spider) - the kind that makes those Z's down the center of the web. You ever seen one? They get pretty big and are bright green or yellow with black on them. They are pretty cool as spiders go. They rock their web and make it bounce back and forth to catch bugs and take down their webs every few days and make a new one. Tidy and active little arachnids they are. I thought the boys would enjoy watching her for a few days.

Anyway, I showed them, thinking she would move on in a few days and we left her alone. Small Pants, who is a HUGE Spiderman fan, named her Mary Jane after Mary Jane Watson - the girl who stole Spidey's heart. In truth, he calls her Mary James, but I ignore that. So we checked on Mary Jane daily and boy, did she grow.

Here is a picture of her nasty ass from yesterday.



Freaking gross, isn't it? And that picture doesn't really show you how huge she is!!

This one is better:



Ewww. Itchy here - really itchy and totally skeeved.

But the boys have really enjoyed watching her grow and catch bugs. I admit, it has been neat - remember the double paned huge window between us. That makes me feel safe. She has been living there for about three months and we have all grown attached to her. Even the neighbors know her name, check on her and comment on how big she has gotten. Just like we had a new baby or something.

Sadly... I will have to lie to the kids and tell them she moved away or something. This morning when we were leaving, I noticed a big ass egg sac - big as in the size of a small plum - up in the corner of her web. I muttered a "Holy Shit" and we backed down the driveway. Mary Jane and her luggage may be meeting an untimely demise later today. Unless I can convince Pants to catch her in a jar with her Bag-O-Kids and move her far down in the yard. Just the thought of 50,000 little spiders crawling through my flowerbeds - right outside my kitchen - is possibly more than I can bear.

But then guilt, my old friend, steps in and I think how the kids would like watching another one grow, and I am not sure if I can move her. Or squish her beneath the soles of my shoes. It's not like she's a black widow or something, you know? But she is still creepy as shit. Ahh, the dilemma of a naturalist - never thought it would happen to me.

No, You Funny Funny Man - I Am NOT Getting A Minivan

I am now, officially, a "Soccer Mom." Dear God - it all happened so very fast. I don't remember when it actually took place, but now that both boys are playing soccer - Medium Pants for "The Demolition" and Small Pants for "The Beetles" - I have now earned that moniker. It is a definative sign of the Apocolypse.

My dear brother, whom I love with all my heart, commented to me that I was now the dreaded soccer mom. My next step in the metomorphosis was to rush out and buy a minivan. He is such a jackass sometimes. I said that the SUV we currently own was working just fine, thanks. Besides there will be no new auto purchasing going on at the Pants household any time soon - BRACES!!! Remember?

He said that they had a minivan and loved it. I replied.... Yes, well that would be because either there is not a pharmacy OR a Circle K near your home, judging by the fact that you have 4 kids - and two of them came as a surprise. I'll give you one surprise, but two? Do you not know how the other three got here? Get cable for God's sake.

I plan on getting a new SUV in the next few years, so no minivan - especially now that I can get one of those DVD players in the ceiling in a Tahoe! Who needs an Aerostar? Not me, no sir. No can do. Seriously - just so not me. At all. I know they are nice and roomy and you can split the brats up so they aren't poking each other in the eye. And they are fine for some people, just not me. So all you minivan owners out there - don't send me hate mail. I just don't want one - the fact that you have one is fine. Really.

All My Pants

I love this bunch of weirdos so very much.

My Music

I heard it said somewhere that one day all good things come to an end.

I turn around to see you.

And if I do or not, it all depends.

I was born the day I met you,

Lived a while when you loved me,

Died a little when we broke apart.

Yesterday, it would have mattered.

Now today, it doesn't mean a thing.

All my hopes and dreams are shattered now.

I'm in a lonely place without you.

I'm in a lonely place without you.

I walk the streets alone at night sometimes and think about you.

I look as strangers pass.

And wonder how I'll live without your love.

I was born the day I met you,

Lived a little when you loved me,

Died a little when we broke apart.

Suddenly, this world's no longer bright.

I'm alone and lonely every night.

Won't you bring back your love that's out of sight?

I'm in a lonely place without you.

I'm in a lonely place without you

The Smithereens - circa 1989

Re-Fueling May Be Necessary

This should be written on every marriage certificate and etched on bathroom walls everywhere.

I am exhausted. No. I mean Really Really exhausted. Not just tired and needing more sleep, though that would be wonderful. My bones and muscles are tired. We went to bed last night - I think Pants had big plans - and before he could finish brushing his teeth, I was sound asleep. Dead to the world. Poor Pants.

Pants and I are not connecting like we used to. I'm just not feeling the fire. Don't misunderstand - he is still scintillatingly hot to me. Sometimes I just look at him and think "Yum." But lately - everything has just gotten in the way. We have both been so busy that we haven't even really had the chance to ask each other about our day, much less, spend some quality time together. Everything is pulling us in a million different directions and the first thing we seem to let slide is each other. Don't worry - we are still gettin' it, just not as exceptional as usual.

We are still very much in love with each other and I know we are fine. We just need some time alone. No kids, no work, no bills, no phones - just beverages, quiet and us. God - how great would the beach be right now? But I think we may have to settle for an evening alone with the kids at their grandparent's house. A long weekend somewhere close would be so great. Just a few days to ourselves. It just feels like we are running out of gas and need to refuel. I just want to get back to where we need to be. Where we want to be.

Well Worth the Cash

I would say that the money spent on Small Pants' petting zoo/pony ride birthday party was well spent.

He really wanted me to stop taking pictures. He's all "OK. Will you please stop now?"

And Pants was quite pleased that the farm employees cleaned up all the shit - literally.

Potty Mouthed Bitch

I am an avid user of profanity. I know it is not attractive, but in my defense, I only use it when it carries weight. I try not to just throw words out there unecessarily - I like to use them to their fullest power.

That being said, we cooked out at some friend's house this weekend. He had some friends in town and wanted us to meet them. "Bob" came with his two daughters ages 12 and 7. His wife chose to stay at home. In another state. Um, I thought that was pretty weird.

"Bob" cusses alot. Which usually doesn't bother me, but he did it in front of his kids. And my kids. I try to really curtail my language in front of my kids and do a pretty good job of it. "Bob" used the F-word no less than 5 times in front of all the kids. Not to mention all the other lovely words that he used. If he had been at my house, I would have asked him to watch his language in a polite way. Since we too were guests, I just tried to keep my kids out of the room and we made a fairly early exit. We weren't rude, but we didn't stay as late as we would have if I hadn't been in fear of my kids getting expelled today at school for following in "Bob's" footsteps.

Also, the people whose house we were at didn't ask him to be more careful either. And this was early in the evening before everyone began to get their buzz on. I can only imagine how it progressed.

I am funny about my kids language - they can't use "butt," "Oh my God" or "ain't." I know that last one isn't a cuss word, but it bugs me really really badly. The others are just tacky and white trashy. They of course cannot use any of the other cuss words either. And they get in trouble when they do, so it was hard to sit and watch this guy talk like he did. I would glance at his daughters when he would let one fly - expecting them to be shocked. But no, they didn't even blink. Bob was a funny guy and we would have really enjoyed hanging around him without the kids present. But I was uncomfortable with my kids hearing all that.

So as I win another star on my "Parent of the Year" Certificate, I say to all you skeptics who think I parent horribly: "Screw you, Bitches."