The Art of Parenting Through Bribery

Bribery. It is a lovely thing. I, in fact, would not mind being bribed more often. Cash, jewelry - I will admit it. I can be bought. Not in all instances, mind you, but some. Knowing my weakness for bribery, we decided to see if it was also passed on genetically.

Small Pants had been getting up every night atleast once and coming in our room. Usually with the onset of said visit beginning at around 1:00 am. He didn't ask to get in our bed. He just stood by my side (I must digress here and say What the hell? Go to your father's side damnit! I always went to my Daddy's side when I needed something - he was there to protect me. That women who slept beside him? She cooked and cleaned. Daddy was the great warrior, not her. If I needed a snack, mom, you're the girl, but if something frightened me I was beelining it to Daddy's side - ahh Karma, I know you well) and whined until I asked him what he wanted, to which he always replied "I don't know." I would tell him to go potty and then take him back to his room and put him in bed. Bear in mind, we do not live in a mansion, but we do have a bathroom for the boys. Located conveniently near their bedrooms (how crazy is that?). He would sometimes come back, sometimes not but it really didn't matter because I could not go back to sleep.

Those of you not familiar with me need to know the following:

I MUST HAVE PLENTY OF SLEEP.

I love sleep. It might just be my best friend. Now do not misunderstand - I am not the type to nap during the day or on weekends and sleeping in for me consists of getting up at the ridiculously late hour of 8:00 am. I know, I know - sleeping the day away you say! No, I am not a napper, but when I go to bed at night, I cannot run on all cylinders unless I have 7-8 hours of UNINTERRUPTED sleep. Needless to say, Small Pants was working on being sent to military school after about the third week of this night after night nonsense.

I was always calm and sweet when I would put him back in his bed. I would even kiss him goodnight again all with the assumption that he had just gotten into a bad habit. No, a godforsaken - mind-altering - sure to result in the death of his mother - habit.

So, I turned to bribery. It began with the promise of the stretchable lizards he so loves. One every morning that he slept in his own bed and used his own bathroom at night and did not disturb me. He has a lovely collection of the repulsive little bastards now. We then sat down with him and discussed how he was such a big boy and if he could do it for two straight weeks, he could get a prize for moving up on the totem pole of growth. His request? A red Power Ranger costume. I told him this would be his last reward for this big boy accomplishment and he was ok with that.

I am proud to announce that said Power Ranger costume was purchased at the Gates of Hell (oh, sorry, I mean Toys R Us) Saturday afternoon. He is doing wonderfully. And I am getting my much beloved sleep. Oh, dear Small Pants, my crows feet thank you so very much.