Alternatingly Numb and Panicky

Sorry I haven't been around. Believe me, I would have like to have been - we have been sitting at the hospital. Waiting. Pants' daddy had triple bypass surgery today along with an aortic valve replacement. Scary. he had been complaining of shortness of breath and a sore throat whenever he exherted himself and they thought it was acid reflux. (Silly doctors, we all know that only causes you to lip sync on SNL!) Anyway, they did the treadmill and CT Scan to rule out heart issues and they both came back fine, so they sent Pants, Sr. home with some reflux meds and called it a day.

He came back to the Dr. and said it wasn't helping at all, so they scheduled a heart cath, just to be sure. Yesterday, they discovered he had 80% blockage in two arteries and 70% in another one. As well as his valve was calcified. So they went in this morning and took care of all that.

Unfortunately, he isn't doing as well as we had hoped or expected. They had some issues with the site where they took the vein to use for the bypass and he bled alot into his leg and his BP dropped after surgery. Long and confusing Dr. speak story made short - he is going to be on the ventilator and doped up a day or so longer than we and the staff expected - and that would be the best case scenario.

Pants is a very strong man. He is handling this well, but I know he feels so helpless. We all do. I am worried he will keep it all inside. And while I do think it is best to put on a strong front for his mother and sisters, I want him to know he call fall apart in front of me if he needs to. We just have to sit and wait to see if it all heals like it is supposed to and that is very scary. I am alternating between feeling certain that all will be okay and then worried that Pants will have to suffer through the unexpected loss of his father like I did. Or even worse, his father never returning to the man he was. Which is much larger than life. I do have a gut feeling that it will all be okay and that it's just going to take a little longer recovery than we had planned on.

But it is scary to look around the ICU waiting room at his whole family. They look so lost and uncertain. And I feel like a bit of an outsider, even though I am not, simply because I don't know how to fix it or make it better. It just seems so sudden, which it is, and it's like a fog. I know people every day have this surgery and it is no longer as serious as it once was with the strides made in medicine. But I don't know anyone in my family or close friends who have had this surgery, so I don't know what is normal and what should be a major concern.

I guess part of me feels like since I know how stressed and scared they are, having been through it, I should be able to say something to make them feel better. But I don't have the words. I am just being there and trying to keep his mom upbeat and confiodent and watching Pants closely. I know the hazards of keeping it all in and they can be devestating. I just wish I knew what to say, but until we have some definative answers, I am afraid to say too much. Besides, I know how helpless I felt when my Daddy was in the hospital and I would imagine that no one could have said anything then that would have made me feel better. I hope just my being there is enough.

Anyway, please say a prayer or light a candle - whatever you believe in - for Pants, Sr. I will be in and out going to the hospital to stay and trying to keep the boys' schedules as normal as possible. I will post more when I know it.

Pants and I thank you for your kind thoughts.