And Yet More Neighbor Analysis

It's been a long time since I told a story about my neighbors. Rest assured, they have been very entertaining, just nothing worthy of putting in writing. I just do not understand some people. I try and try and then I just have to shake my head and move on.

The Labelers - you know the ones - are an odd bunch. He is freaking meticulous about his car (and let me just cut in and say, it's a used Honda Acord, pleasant means of transportation, but it is no Porsche) and washes it atleast three times a week. Three. He screams if anyone gets anywhere near it. Not that there is anything wrong with taking care of your things...usually. But by contrast, consider the following:

Their house is a complete pig sty and that would not be any type of exaggeration on my part. There are black rings in their toilets, food all over the floor, dust on everything, counter and table tops covered with food and dirty plates and not one clean spot in the sink because it is full of a weeks worth of crap. Plus it has a funky smell - Gee, you think? It is so filthy that they keep the door to their room shut all the time - never opened. That's where they pile everything. Scurvy City - I am not lying. Fear Factor could come in there and ask people to eat something and I would bet half the contestants would back out or fail. Seriously, I know I like a clean house, but when your husband (who always leaves his socks under the ottoman and has difficulty hitting the toilet when peeing) says it is disgusting, you know they are way past the "slightly cluttered" stage. They were both on vacation for 10 weeks during the summer and never touched the broom. Must have been a Battlestar Galactica marathon on Sci-Fi Network or something.

Their yard is always a mess as the guy refuses to weed eat any of the grass around the house. (I think the only reason he even bothers to cut it is because it's a riding mower.) It was almost up over the a/c unit a few weeks ago. And he wondered why "it's just not cooling like it should." When he cuts the yard, but doesn't pick up any limbs or toys. It's pretty noisy when he does cut his grass. Imagine our surprise (sarcasm) when he commented that the mower was messed up. To top it off, it's not just spewing oil, but he ran into the house and broke the wheels off the front. Ok, how damn obliviously fast do you have to be going to hit the house that hard and break the mower?

So now, he wants to borrow Pants' fancy ass John Deere riding mower. The love of his life. He would park it in the bedroom if only I would allow it. I am so afraid. Pants feel obligated to lend it to him because when we first moved Pants borrowed his a time or two before he picked out just which green and yellow husband stealing whore he was going to purchase. But he didn't break it.

Here's the scenario - Label Boy uses the mower, runs over women, small children and God knows what in his yard and returns the mower. Pants cuts our grass the next day or so and LO AND BEHOLD....the mower isn't running right or is all out of whack. Labeler will never admit he did something to it. Never. Here is how I know-

Their son Spaz broke Medium Pants PS2 steering wheel by turning the wheel so hard it snapped. He is a hamfisted little maniac and I prefer he not play with our boys stuff. Anyway, that damn thing cost us about $75 so that wasn't going to just slide (like the 4 beanbag chairs I witnessed Spaz split and when his mother was told about it, she just shrugged and said, oh, sorry) so Pants mentioned it to Mr. Labeler. He said "Sorry about that." Pants paused and after a minute or two said "yeah, me too, because it wasn't cheap." Labeler said, "Oh, so you want us to replace it?" Pants said "Yes, as I would replace any item of yours my kids damaged." He and she bitched about it and implied we were lying until Spaz told them in front of us that he did break it. Long story somewhat shorter - four months later, we had a new one. FOUR months. They were pissed they had to do it and shopped for a used one on e-bay. A new one was sitting at Best Buy for $50. Finally, after Spaz was caught trying to choke Small Pants, they went and bought us the new one - as a peace offering, I am sure.

Yes, you read that correctly - he was choking my young son and about to hit him in the head with a rock when Medium Pants stepped in and stopped it. And yes, Small Pants is not allowed to play alone with Spaz anymore and Medium Pants has been given the green light to intercede with whatever force necessary if it happens again. She called the next day and apologized 28 times. I said the old boys will be boys thing and then said that either her son would get over this aggression towards mine who is 2 years younger, or mine would end up beating his ass one day. And he could - the boy is a tank.

But hey, they replaced the PS2 accessory!

So, given that, you can see my apprehension about allowing him use of the beloved Deere. If he does do something to it, it will take a week or two before he admits it and then, he will take all winter to replace it or pay for repairs. I have suggested that Pants just cut his grass for him until he gets his fixed. It's almost the end of the season and there will only be two or three cuttings needed before winter anyway. Care to place a wager on the chances of Labeler getting it fixed in the off season?

Anyway, the point of this post was to ask why someone would be so anal about his car, but yet live in such filth.I just don't get it. But I do know that when we have cook outs and she asks what she can bring, I always give her something that can be purchased at the deli. I wouldn't eat food from her house or off her dishes unless Joe Rogan was standing there with $5000 for me. And then it would be difficult.