Gearing up for Santa

Oh. My. God.

It is November 30. I have so much Christmas stuff left to do. Every year I say I am getting an early start. Every year, I DO get an early start on the toys requested by Medium and Small Pants. I am almost finished with them with the exception of a few small things. I have everyone else to buy for now. And no money to do it with.

Luckily, Mr. Pants and my family draw names, so that gives everyone a break, but there are still a ton of gifts to buy.

How tacky is it to just get a buttload of giftcards????

Giving Thanks

I have been lax in my posting - it's been over a week.

Shamefully in honor of Thanksgiving, I will take a moment and comment on what I am and should be thankful for. I have a wonderful husband (Pants) who, while he may not always say the perfect thing at the perfect time, he is sincere, honest, very hot and truly loves me. I have two wonderful beautiful sons. The oldest is having a difficult time right now, as he (Medium Pants) is 9 years old and knows everything. We are having some issues with his attitude and tone - he is wonderfully polite to everyone else, thank God, but uses a tone with us that makes the hair on my neck stand up. If I had used that tone as a child, I would have required dentures. But he is a sweet and smart boy, and we will work through this - sweet baby Jesus, tell me it's just a phase.

I have been having some troubles lately - mainly I believe I am suffering from depression. If you knew my mother, you would know the gravity of my actually uttering those words. "We just don't have those kind of mental problems. Only weak people say they are depressed and it's just because they don't have the wherewithall to suck it up." That being said, I should make an appointment with a doctor. But I am terrified of doing that - who wants to cut themselves open for someone to evaluate and analyze? Not me - besides, what if I uncover something that hadn't occured to me before? I don't mean some repressed abuse as a child - didn't happen. But what if I discover that I am even more inadequate than I already think I am - what if I have even more repulsive flaws than I originally thought? Frightening, to say the very least.

Anyway, back to the whole "Giving Thanks" concept. I guess hidden between the fear and the denial is guilt. Why should I be sad - I have so much in comparison to some people. The fact that I feel sad all the time is shameful. I have a great family (all the pants), a wonderful home, good friends, a dysfunctional family (mom and sibs) that is ridiculously entertaining and we are all healthy and safe. What the hell am I bitching about. The fact is, I do not know. At first, when this all began, it was like a big dark cloud. I assumed (incorrectly) that I must be sad all the time and crying every day because my marriage must not be working. Pants isn't romantic enough, he doesn't listen, I have no time for myself, etc and blah, blah. But after months of introspection, I painfully realized that it is I who has the problem. Yes, there are things I would like to alter slightly with respects to Pants, but no dealbreakers - he is a good man. The fact that stood, staring me in the face, was that I am the one who is inadequate. I was so busy trying to figure out the "reason" for the way I felt, that I was far too quick to blame us.

That mirrored reflection was startling and abrasive. So, I have been coming to grips with the fact that I may have what is considered a mental illness - it ain't easy. I am ashamed and embarrassed. The stigma, one which I helped perpetuate out of ignorance, is suffocating. Perhaps whan I do finally get in to talk to someone, some of that will be erased.

Okay, now again this giving thanks thing (bring it around town, spongebob). I am thankful that I have a husband who allows me to be so very and strangely suddenly fragile. He accepts this and has readily stepped up to help me. He is as in the dark as I am about this whole thing, so we will learn together. I know that I can lean on him and he will take care of me - my only real fear now is wondering for how long. I don't want him to be the man with the sick wife. So this weekend, I will give thanks that he is here - even if it is just for right now. Before this all gets ugly.

A Sad Day, Indeed

Well, yesterday was actually the terribly sad day. I was offered a new job. Better position in the grand scheme of things. I know, I know. You are asking, "How could that be a sad day, Whiner?" It's because if this - I love my boss. He is wonderful, kind, smart and funny. Now when I say I love him, I don't mean in a creepy stalker Sean Young kind of way. I just have a great deal of respect for him and he has been the best boss I have ever had.

I did not want to take this new job because I am very happy here. But I also have created some credit card debt for my family that needs to be addressed in a more assertive manner. Meaning - I have to get that shit paid off. The whole debt/guilt thing will have to be another post. It's just too much for one day.

So, you combine the guilt of putting my family in debt (I have surrendered my cards to Mr. Pants and will not be buying any new purses or shoes - but ask me sometime about my big red leather Tommy purse - I swear it was a steal!) with the guilt of leaving my most favorite boss of all time in a bind by leaving and it equals....... class? Anyone? Yes, that's right!! Shitloads of tears, stomachaches, migraines and sleepless nights!

Anyway, I took the job.

No, I am not terribly excited. I am not a big fan of change, you see. I am sure it will be just fine, they seem very nice and I have a friend who worked there and said it was great. It kinda sucks because I am very happy stay here! I didn't go looking for this. I despise the thought of my dear boss having to stay at the office half the night doing his job and mine. I just keep telling myself that I created this debt and I have to take care of it. This is the high price I must pay for being such a dumbass and buying crap I didn't need. The alternative was my husband getting a second job and never seeing me or the boys. Their names would be Medium Pants and Small Pants. I would just have to add that guilt to my stack and it just seemed like way too much, don't you think?

So, I will start my new job at the first of the year. I promise if I win the lottery, I am sending my favorite boss of all time a big fat check. This would be not only to help him out, but to also assuage all my guilt. That is going to have to be one humongous gi-fucking-gantic check.

Back to the Grind

Well, back at work after an uneventful and boring weekend. We did take the boys to the park with the neighbors and their kids - all 4 boys played for about 3 hours, with NO crying, pushing or name calling. Is this a sign of the Apocolypse?

I am on the hunt for a fuzzy puppy - both boys want one for Christmas. I want it housebroken before it gets really cold. Hopefully we will find just the right one.

Nothing exciting, so I'll try and think up a good rant later.


Update - we got a fuzzy puppy. He is cute and we named him Spike. I am too stressed to be really happy about it, though. See post above "Sad Day Indeed" for explanation.

I'm just sayin'....

Just so you will know what kind of people you are dealing with here...

Snippets of Life

Hello everyone.

After being thoroughly addicted to a few other blogs, I decided to get my own. It seemed like a good way to get ideas out of my head, as well as the occasional rant. You know, sometimes you witness something and you just HAVE to tell someone - this usually happens to me at Walmart, and let me tell you, it is never pretty. It usually involves cellulite and spandex. Frightening.

Anyway, we'll see how this goes.