In case you needed more proof we are a perfect pair.....

Me: "I want to have one of those traveling petting zoos come here for Small Pants' birthday party. I think he would love it."

Pants: "How much does it cost?"

Me: "Well, they have options. They can bring just the animals, small bunnies, goats, lambs, things like that. Or they can bring those and ponies for pony rides. They also have trains and stuff. It would be so much fun."

Pants: "How much does it cost?"

Me: "Well, when you consider a putt-putt party is about $10 a kid, it's really reasonable. I would like to do the pony rides, but don't care so much about the train."

Pants: "How much?"

Me: "$250"

Pants: "I'm not freakin' payin' $250 for some damn goat to come shit in my yard."



Yes, it's all puppies and butterflies here, folks.

Difficulty Finding Focus

I have several blogs that I stop in on and read every day - some are linked here, some are not. I also read Rockstarmommy, Suburbanbliss & Dooce as well as a few others. One day I will get around to linking all my favs. It's hard for me to figure out and it takes time, people - a commodity of which I often run quite short!

That being said, I am well aware that I have no real focus for my blog or "blob" as I prefer to call it. Some lean toward the political, others speak about their everyday lives, some share stories of birthing babies, some talk about current crime stories and so on. The crime factor is how I began my life in the blog world. I became so involved with the Laci Peterson case that I luckily happened upon a site called "Observations of a Misfit." The Author, Loretta, is a brilliant writer who provided amazing insight and knowledge of the case as well as an arena for comments. This arena allowed those who were also at a loss as to why someone would have done this to talk to others and bounce thoughts off each other, speculate and comiserate. It is where I found many friends whose emotions on this case were just as deep and angry as mine. She is a wonderful blogger and writer and should be credited with getting many of us novices started (although she probably doesn't want that known, given the crap you have read here!). She has a focus.

I do not. I don't want to write about politics - too volatile for me. The true crime blogs are so numerous and not all the cases interest me. And to be perfectly honest, some of them are just far too depressing and revolting to even discuss in depth. The list can go on and on and never end there. I have resigned myself to the fact that I may never have a real focus here.

I guess that should be okay and I should accept that. Do I have to have a "subject matter?" A focus? A topic? I think it's best to just hit you with what is making me think (or pissing me off as the case may be) that day - whether it's an injustice in the checkout line, sibling annoyances, a bedwetter or Pants incredible hotness. You are at my mercy. Since the title of my blog is what it is, then the subject matter must be attuned to it, right? Life is unpredictable, isn't it? So then, must be the topics here.

Hmmm.....maybe next time I will talk about either childbirth or global warming. Oh, how about that old spotted owl? Gosh, when you don't put yourself in a box the possibilities are just ENDLESS, aren't they?

The one in which you learn about Pants' "Oookey Dance"

I have a very good excuse, I swear. I had surgery. I had what is called a septoplasty and turbinectomy. Just an aside - if you are ever going in for some kind of surgery, do NOT go to GOOGLE, type in the name of said surgery and then click "images." No, bad dog.

Anyway, the septum is that cartalidge that separates your nostrils and God only knows what turbinates are. My septum was all walleyed and I had bone spurs so basically, she cut up my septum and moved it over and then roto-rootered out my honker. A little slicin' and dicin'. Wait, that is not the fun part - you still don't know about the oookey dance.

Here's the bone-chilling eye watering portion of the story and thus the birth of the oookey dance. After this surgery, they cram what is basically two super plus tampons up your nose until they hit your brain. This is called "packing." Yes, appropriate was my thought also. I swear with all that jammed in my nose, I looked like I had Mike Tyson's nose - very attractive. That stayed in there for a whole day - no air coming - no air going.

Here's the part that you have waited patiently for..... the removal of the packing. She asked me if I was ready. I said well shit no, but we can sit here all day and look at each other - just do it. Dear God. I had a 9 pound 7 ounce child without an epidural and compared to the packing being removed from my nose, that was like shelling peas. When she gave that old packing a yank, I cursed that poor woman like the syphlitic whore she is. She pulled my toes up through my nose - I swear I have never hurt that bad. Tears were streaming down my face - I wasn't crying, it was just the natural eye watering. Just mass quantities. Add to that the blood pouring from my nose into the bed pan thingy I am holding under my nose. If I had not taken pain killers before even leaving the house, I would have thrown up right there in the doctor's office. FYI - I did apologize for cussing her after it was over. She said it was ok and that one time a man had swung at her when she removed his. I just nodded and said, "Yep, I can see that."

Let me clarify - I am no wimp. I have broken bones, torn ligaments as well as the aforementioned birthing of a freakishly large child (two, in fact). So, I am no stranger to pain and do have a high tolerance for it. I didn't even cry when my shoulder was dislocated in a car wreck and then that cute paramedic popped it back into place on the side of the highway since I refused to go to the hospital because I would have been late for the INXS concert.

This was a pain like no one who has not done this would understand. How bad could it be, you ask. Picture 20-30 stitches inside your nose and every inch of it being crammed with now bone dry cotton. BONE DRY!Then....YANK! Oh, not enough for you? YANK again! There we're finished. I must say that as soon as she pulled them out, she sprayed some numbing stuff up my nose and there was immediate relief. Now honestly I do not know if that was from the spray or the very bright white light.........I don't know. Everyone I seem to mention it to winces - kinda like guys do when they see another guy get whacked in the nuts. Don't furrow your brow - you know exactly what I am talking about. It sometimes is accompanied by an "oh!"

So, for fun, I mention the packing removal and the subsequent scab removal at my next visit and Pants does this weird thing I have deemed the Oookey Dance. He cocks his head to one side, squints his eyes, pulls one knee up and down and does this chicken walk thing and follows that all up with a shiver and a strange "sheewhoosh" sound. Hmmmm. Now that I am picturing it in my head, perhaps I should rename it the "Joe Cocker Dance."

How sad are we that this is what I do for fun? The bad thing is that he doesn't know that I mention it just to see his oookey dance. I guess he will when he reads this. Damn, I will have to resort to showing some movie with some guy getting racked in the balls just for giggles now. Have you ever noticed how their hand automatically goes to protect the "jewels" also? Even when they just see it happen on tv? What is with that? I don't grab my boob when I see some girl get her boob grabbed on tv. Men are just weird and yet they say we are the ones that can't be understood. Crazy fuckers.

Just consider this post residual painkiller nonsense. I am now going into the den and mention scab removal or getting tampons plucked out of my nose, then I am going to sit back and watch the show. It will be even better now, because I will be humming "You Can Leave Your Hat On" in my head.