The one in which you learn about Pants' "Oookey Dance"

I have a very good excuse, I swear. I had surgery. I had what is called a septoplasty and turbinectomy. Just an aside - if you are ever going in for some kind of surgery, do NOT go to GOOGLE, type in the name of said surgery and then click "images." No, bad dog.

Anyway, the septum is that cartalidge that separates your nostrils and God only knows what turbinates are. My septum was all walleyed and I had bone spurs so basically, she cut up my septum and moved it over and then roto-rootered out my honker. A little slicin' and dicin'. Wait, that is not the fun part - you still don't know about the oookey dance.

Here's the bone-chilling eye watering portion of the story and thus the birth of the oookey dance. After this surgery, they cram what is basically two super plus tampons up your nose until they hit your brain. This is called "packing." Yes, appropriate was my thought also. I swear with all that jammed in my nose, I looked like I had Mike Tyson's nose - very attractive. That stayed in there for a whole day - no air coming - no air going.

Here's the part that you have waited patiently for..... the removal of the packing. She asked me if I was ready. I said well shit no, but we can sit here all day and look at each other - just do it. Dear God. I had a 9 pound 7 ounce child without an epidural and compared to the packing being removed from my nose, that was like shelling peas. When she gave that old packing a yank, I cursed that poor woman like the syphlitic whore she is. She pulled my toes up through my nose - I swear I have never hurt that bad. Tears were streaming down my face - I wasn't crying, it was just the natural eye watering. Just mass quantities. Add to that the blood pouring from my nose into the bed pan thingy I am holding under my nose. If I had not taken pain killers before even leaving the house, I would have thrown up right there in the doctor's office. FYI - I did apologize for cussing her after it was over. She said it was ok and that one time a man had swung at her when she removed his. I just nodded and said, "Yep, I can see that."

Let me clarify - I am no wimp. I have broken bones, torn ligaments as well as the aforementioned birthing of a freakishly large child (two, in fact). So, I am no stranger to pain and do have a high tolerance for it. I didn't even cry when my shoulder was dislocated in a car wreck and then that cute paramedic popped it back into place on the side of the highway since I refused to go to the hospital because I would have been late for the INXS concert.

This was a pain like no one who has not done this would understand. How bad could it be, you ask. Picture 20-30 stitches inside your nose and every inch of it being crammed with now bone dry cotton. BONE DRY!Then....YANK! Oh, not enough for you? YANK again! There we're finished. I must say that as soon as she pulled them out, she sprayed some numbing stuff up my nose and there was immediate relief. Now honestly I do not know if that was from the spray or the very bright white light.........I don't know. Everyone I seem to mention it to winces - kinda like guys do when they see another guy get whacked in the nuts. Don't furrow your brow - you know exactly what I am talking about. It sometimes is accompanied by an "oh!"

So, for fun, I mention the packing removal and the subsequent scab removal at my next visit and Pants does this weird thing I have deemed the Oookey Dance. He cocks his head to one side, squints his eyes, pulls one knee up and down and does this chicken walk thing and follows that all up with a shiver and a strange "sheewhoosh" sound. Hmmmm. Now that I am picturing it in my head, perhaps I should rename it the "Joe Cocker Dance."

How sad are we that this is what I do for fun? The bad thing is that he doesn't know that I mention it just to see his oookey dance. I guess he will when he reads this. Damn, I will have to resort to showing some movie with some guy getting racked in the balls just for giggles now. Have you ever noticed how their hand automatically goes to protect the "jewels" also? Even when they just see it happen on tv? What is with that? I don't grab my boob when I see some girl get her boob grabbed on tv. Men are just weird and yet they say we are the ones that can't be understood. Crazy fuckers.

Just consider this post residual painkiller nonsense. I am now going into the den and mention scab removal or getting tampons plucked out of my nose, then I am going to sit back and watch the show. It will be even better now, because I will be humming "You Can Leave Your Hat On" in my head.