I miss you, Daddy.
Tomorrow is the anniversary of my Father's death 15 years ago. Should the term "anniversary" even be used? Probably not as I like to think of those as celebrations, not as days that you would rather not recall.
As I have mentioned - I loved my Daddy. He was wonderful, funny, smart and just all-together great. So many memories of him run through my thoughts every day. I keep hoping that one day I will be able to think about him and talk about him without choking back tears or getting that lump in my throat. Every year passes and I am no closer to being able to do that. Fifteen years. That is a long time, and yet, it feels like just the other day. Every day, I hear something I know he would have laughed at, or I think about something I would like his opinion or advice on.
I miss my Daddy. Terribly. So much that it really does hurt sometimes. There is so much I never got the chance to say. So many things I should have done or said. So many things I wish I could change. So much guilt for not being there when he needed me - I guess I just wasn't used to him needing me. It was hard for me to see him like that - he was always so very strong and to see him as less than that was too difficult for me. I think that is the reason for all the tears and sadness. There was so much I wanted to say and was just too afraid to put it out where it could be heard.
I miss my Daddy. I will never stop loving him or appreciating all he did for me. My only hope is that he can still see me and knows how sorry I am. And how now, with children of my own, I finally get it.
You were so right, Daddy. I love you.
As I have mentioned - I loved my Daddy. He was wonderful, funny, smart and just all-together great. So many memories of him run through my thoughts every day. I keep hoping that one day I will be able to think about him and talk about him without choking back tears or getting that lump in my throat. Every year passes and I am no closer to being able to do that. Fifteen years. That is a long time, and yet, it feels like just the other day. Every day, I hear something I know he would have laughed at, or I think about something I would like his opinion or advice on.
I miss my Daddy. Terribly. So much that it really does hurt sometimes. There is so much I never got the chance to say. So many things I should have done or said. So many things I wish I could change. So much guilt for not being there when he needed me - I guess I just wasn't used to him needing me. It was hard for me to see him like that - he was always so very strong and to see him as less than that was too difficult for me. I think that is the reason for all the tears and sadness. There was so much I wanted to say and was just too afraid to put it out where it could be heard.
I miss my Daddy. I will never stop loving him or appreciating all he did for me. My only hope is that he can still see me and knows how sorry I am. And how now, with children of my own, I finally get it.
You were so right, Daddy. I love you.
posted by Justin @ 12:34 PM
5 Comments:
At 9:03 PM,
Ronni said…
My mother used to say, "Just you wait until you have children of your own--then you'll understand!"
She died when Chandra was 10 days old, and never even got to see her.
So many times, over the years, I've looked up and said, "All right, Mom, you were right!"
Very touching entry, Justin.
At 6:40 PM,
Carri said…
Hugs! Very touching indeed. I read this before work and thought of you throughout the day. I bet he knows!
At 3:05 AM,
Anonymous said…
My Dad was my partner in crime, Justin.
He died in 2003 of stomach cancer. My Stepmom just didn't bother to let me know in time. He only had days to live by the time she told me...he died while I was on the phone, booking air tickets to Africa, desperately trying to get to him in time. It is really hard! And, so final.
I hadn't seen him since 1998...my fault, I suppose!
At 3:22 PM,
Anonymous said…
Justin, you managed to put into words exactly the way I'm feeling about losing my Mom.
She lived right here with me and still, I don't feel that I spent enough time really getting to know her once I became an adult. She died suddenly, so there was no "goobye" period.
I had no idea how devastating it would feel to lose her. There will always be regrets.
At 10:50 PM,
CountryGirl said…
Oh Justin, I understand completely. I was a daddy's girl too and I lost him 7-18-94. ((((hugs))))
I know our daddys are watching out for us.
CG
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