Yet Another Complaint About Sweltering Heat

I am home. Thank God. Scottsdale, Arizona. June. 113 degrees. And when people say "It's a dry heat." What the hell does that mean, exactly? It means they are completely full of horseshit. The only difference between heat there and here is that my hair looked good. No frizz. But other than that? Nothing - it was hot. As hot as I imagine it is in hell. I am sure I will know soon enough.

We stayed at some fancy resort that I could never afford if I had to pay the tab. You want to know how they afforded it? Because it is the "off season" in Scottsdale. Why? Because it is so freaking hot, that's why. So very hot that when I had very very little hot water in the shower Tuesday morning, I didn't even complain about it. I just thought, hmmm. This is pleasant actually. Usually, I take the hottest showers known to man. So hot, that if Pants is feeling amorous and wants to get in the shower with me, he winces and turns up the cold water when he thinks I am not looking. I will run you out I take them so hot. So it really must say something if I found a lukewarm (at best) shower refreshing.

We had meetings, fancy dinners, open bars, meetings, activities, open bars and more dinners with open bars. Before you get all riled up about the open bar issue, rest assured, I am no idiot. While I do like a cold beer and even a tasty drink concoction occasionally, I do not drink excessively on any business trips. Get this, I will in the comfort of my home when the kids are at the sitters for the night and even when we go out if Pants will take care of me, I am nothing if not a party viking. But not with people I conduct business with or when I am representing my employer. I had a few drinks here and there, but was always in control. Never ceases to amaze me how when the crap is free, people go buck wild. Classy.

The activity we selected was a rafting trip down the Salt River. Sweet Baby Jesus, no one warned me that our guide would be the most ridiculously cute boy EVER!! He was just the cutest thing, young enough to be my son, if I started at like 18 or something. But really cute. If I had a daughter his age, I would have been scheming, seriously. The other guide was like Erkel compared to ours, so we planned that well.

I am glad to be back, though. I missed my boys. It was weird being gone from them - it's so rare that I am gone for a few days. Plus I never sleep well without Pants beside me. I am astounded to say I missed his snoring even. He doesn't snore loudly, just a little bit. Nothing I have made him go to the couch for. An occasional jab to his ribs, perhaps, but nothing more. I have been awake many nights and been soothed by the sound of him breathing that deep sleepy breath. I talk in my sleep, so I'll bet I'm not so soothing. If you want to know how I truly feel about something though? Ask me while I am asleep, because I will tell you without mincing any words.

They were all fine when I got home and the house was still pretty clean. I was shocked. They did forget to water my ferns; however. I have two gigantic ferns in urns (heh heh) on the front porch. I have cherished, nurtured and babied those bastards for months now and they look fabulous. I told them all that if my precious and beloved ferns died while in their care, there would be severe consequences. Possibly even death. Good thing Pants did it when I reminded him about it the evening I was on my way home. I don't think I would look good as a widow. Or as a convict. Either way, they survived - meaning my ferns and my family. Seriously, someone would have been maimed if they had not made it. I love those damn ferns.

Oh and a word to the wise....When you are trying to be all cool with some girl you meet at a business meeting, don't be a dumbass. Some poor schmuck tried to talk baseball with me. Looking at the nerd, you knew he had never played past t-ball. Consider this, when you tell me that Wow! You love the Red Sox too!!!! For forever, since you were a kid! How crazy is that?!?! you might want to atleast act like you know something about them. I have been a fan since I was little. I remember watching them play with my dad in elementary school. I despise Bandwagon Fans. So, if you say that you are a big longtime fan, it would be in your best interest not to stare at me so blankly when upon asking me who my favorite Bosox players are, I respond Ted Williams, Jim Rice and Carl Yastremski. If you have never heard of the Splendid Splinter, you, my friend, are no baseball fan. You don't have to like him, but you should know who he is.

I plan to begin a new concept in my entries. I will not mention unbearable, life threatening heat, suffocating humidity or baseball for the rest of the summer. I swear. It is going to be difficult, but I am willing to try. For you.