Listening To The Wind

I keep going on and on about American Idol to avoid a really sad and tragic topic. While I do adore that show and have been accused of taking it way too seriously, I am trying to keep my mind off of news we got recently that is breaking my heart.

I have a very very dear friend who, since she is a private person, I will call Jennifer for this entry. She found out the other day that she has cancer. They found a mass on her uterus and as she was not having any more children, they decided to go ahead with a hysterectomy to be on the safe side. Once they got in there, it was bad. They did a complete hysterectomy, removed a large part of her lower intestine and her appendix. Things do not look good. The mass was malignant and she has to have chemo, although they have not yet determined what exact course they plan to take.

I do not have much experience with cancer and for that I am incredibly thankful. But my knowledge is very limited. I have so many questions, but do not feel it is appropriate to ask any of them just yet. I have talked to her a few times since we found this all out the other day, but mostly just to ask if I could help with anything, let her know I am thinking about her, etc.

Her dear husband is almost beside himself and they have the most cherubic five year old son who absolutely adores his mama. I guess what makes this so hard is also what makes me feel so guilty - she is the same age I am. This could be me. This could be my babies watching me struggling with this. Could I be as strong as she is being? Would I be handling this as well and as courageously as she is or would I be falling apart?

She has an extraordinary family and if anyone can pull through something like this - she can. Her parents and siblings are all very close and they will all pull together and fight this with her. Plus she has a circle of friends that love her dearly. Surely this will help her.

I am truly "Worst Case Scenario Girl" and when I hear bad news I always start at the worst possible conclusion and work my way back. I know it is the most stupid way to look at things, but I always do it. Thank God for Pants - he is the calming force. One thing is for sure - this has made me appreciate every moment even more. I sat on the front porch yesterday evening and watched the boys play. I zoned out and just sat there - watching them, forgetting about illness, bills, work, stress and sadness. I just sat and listened to their unbridled laughter. I heard things I had not consciously heard in years. Bees buzzing, birds chirping, dogs barking in the distance. Thinking about how quiet and sad my life would be without all the noises those two boys make and all the noises I was missing every day in my rush to get everything done. Things that weren't so important after all.

When they got tired, they came and joined me on the porch, one on either side of me, as close as they could get to me. Usually, that annoys me. But last night, I pulled them even closer, and there we sat. Side by side by side. Listening to the wind.